Hey everyone,
Today’s video is, in my humble opinion, a message the majority of the Dota community needs to hear, and a lot of you won’t want to hear it. I’ve been fearful to make this because I feel like a large portion of you aren’t going to like me for what I’m going to say. I’ll probably come off as I’m right, you’re wrong, I’m holier than thou. I’m trying not to do that.
I’m sharing this because I was truly impacted by what I’m about to share. It started a significant change in my life. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t heard it.
And yeah, I already hear the response, why don’t you just leave if you hate the Dota community so much. To me, that’s like telling you to leave a family member behind. This has been my life for about 12 years. I love this community and the role it’s played in my life. So here’s me making somewhat of a desperate plea. If you’re willing to listen, if you respect or want to learn the things I’ve learned, this is for you. If you already can’t stand me, you probably shut this off already.
What kicked this off
About four months ago I watched Dr K. Two videos. I’ll link them so you can watch exactly what I watched.
Dr K VOD 1: https://www.youtube.com/live/bMa9dAYdTE0?si=rabGiJzw3vFTq_RC
Dr K VOD 2: https://youtu.be/e0ec2-E5Xq8?si=bDs91xb164xorGUc
He talked about the puer aeternus, basically a man who’s never grown up and keeps a fantastical view of his life. As long as the perfect scenario eventually happens, I’ll reach my maximum potential.
In short, think of those anime where the kid’s life is dreary and boring and then something fantastical happens to him and suddenly he’s the superhero of the show. That was me. And I think a lot of men, and a lot of people in Dota, think this way. Honestly, I think the higher MMR you are, the more likely you are to think this way. Gifted and smart, tons of potential, not actualizing any of it.
The first Dr K video is a rough lecture, then he goes deeper in the second. Hearing this changed my outlook. I’m still struggling with it. It’s a work in progress. I want to share that struggle and also the frustration I feel watching the same mistakes I used to make play out in front of me. It’s like looking in the mirror, especially the mirror of four months ago me.
I know I come off like I’m better than you. I apologize. I’m sharing this because I care. I am trying to show that I care.
A pub example
Context from stream. I’m Bounty. Our Juggernaut dies bottom, then about twenty seconds later we go on Abaddon. He types:
“can you please be smart”
“stop run at Abadon and start run at TA”
“It’s not hard to figure that out.”
When you read that, what do you think. In game, it felt incredibly condescending. Belittling. Telling us we’re stupid. I did not respond in a way I’m proud of. I lashed out. I tilted. After the game I added him, apologized for my role, and told him I didn’t like his comms either. His response verbatim, my intention was never to blame anyone, I was just saying how I think the game should be played.
So his goal was to win. He thought he was communicating how the game should be played. The question is, does “be smart, what are you doing” get people to listen to you and play how you want. If someone spoke to you like that, are you listening. A lot of people have good intentions, but their intentions don’t line up with the results at all.
A class example
Right after that pub I coached a player. I told him straight, your problem is when your teammate doesn’t play how you think they should, you don’t adjust. If your team played exactly how you wanted, you would own. I know that. He agreed. And then his immediate question was, so how do I make them do that.
Not, how do I adjust.
Not, how do I communicate.
How do I make them.
I felt like I was reliving the pub, but now I’m the teammate he’s venting about. That’s the pattern. And this is where Dr K’s idea hit me. The puer aeternus believes the only way their true skill is realized is if the situation around them becomes perfect. Anytime it’s not perfect, it has nothing to do with them. Their brilliance just can’t shine through.
Dating apps, and why this is deeper than Dota
His example that hit me like a truck was dating apps. The sales pitch is, just find the right person and you will be happy. Instead of, if I become a good partner, I will be able to make a relationship work with someone who also cares about being a good partner. One is, what can I do to contribute. The other is, how do I find the perfect external so my brilliance can finally shine.
He says puer behavior is insecurity masked by cockiness masked by illusions of grandeur. It looks like arrogance, but underneath it is deep insecurity. If you’ve watched me historically, that probably sounds like me. I “own up to my mistakes,” but often I’m just dumping on past me. That’s the crux. You think you’re taking responsibility, but you’re actually blaming your past self to avoid accountability for what you’re doing right now.
In that pub, the Jug buys Manta Battle Fury, then as we’re losing bottom, Midas at 30. The second the game isn’t perfect anymore, and someone does something you don’t like, all accountability goes out the window. You tell yourself, because of what happened at five minutes, I can’t win at thirty five. It feels like ownership, but you aren’t changing your current decisions.
What I want players to ask themselves
When my teammates don’t do what I want, how do I not get so angry.
How do I not lose my composure.
How do I maintain accountability for my current actions.
This isn’t exciting. It sucks. It’s facing insecurity and perfectionism. The whole point is you have these grandiose visions of yourself, and then you’re confronted with the truth that you’re a normal person who has to take accountability in the moment. That still terrifies me. A few years ago it was debilitating.
I’ve also been told I don’t always feel very human when I talk about my experiences. I struggle not to come off holier than thou. I want people who are my people. Not people who agree with me on everything, but people who care to listen and who I also enjoy listening to. People who are willing to engage in a dialogue even if we don’t share the same perspective.
There are different forms and severities of this. I think I had a lot of signs. I don’t love saying I was pretty bad, but yeah.
Polarity and why I’m making this anyway
If I’m going to be truly myself and show what’s going on inside, I also have to tell you what I think a lot of you need to hear. That applies to my community, the Dojo, my Twitch viewers, and the Dota community as a whole. The only prerequisite is that you are willing to hear it.
Some of you will think I’m full of it. That’s fine. Dr K said the same thing, his goal wasn’t to dump on people, it was to share something that helped him. Plenty will take it as an attack and turn it off. Honestly, the thing I’m most afraid of is people turning me off because they find me insufferable.
I’ve accepted if I make this kind of content, it will be more polarizing, more confrontational. I’m not going to do as much of it on the main channel. I’ll be doing it more for the community. You are free to do with that what you will.
I’m linking the two videos above, and I’m probably going to make more content on this. I’ve got some stuff in the pipeline where I’m hoping to learn more. I’ll share as I go. I’m on a journey. I have been on a journey. I don’t care where you are on yours, but do you want to come with me.
Why this helps you win
Appeal to what you actually want. If you work on this, you will win more. Your teammates will like you more. And because they like you more, when you make a call, they will be more likely to listen.
If you are like the two players I showed, which I think a lot of you are, it feels like going on a date with someone who is evaluating you at all times and looking for a flaw. You can feel it. You’re waiting to be disappointed. That creates pressure, tension, awkwardness, rebellion. No one wants to feel that way around you. In Dota, you can give that feeling with nonverbal hero movement, with passive aggressive pings, with lines like, if you guys could just be smart we can win.
No one is going to listen to you when you talk like that. You will win less often because players like me, who are working on it, don’t respond positively to that tone even if your intention is to help us do what you want.
Muting, the right way
A lot of you say, I just have to mute because I can’t focus. I’ve been here. You’ve seen me do it on stream. If the frame is, my teammates are insufferable and I can’t stand it, so I mute, you aren’t learning anything.
If the frame is, I don’t know how to maintain my composure when things get tough, I don’t know how to clearly communicate when I disagree without condescending people, so I’m going to mute for a bit while I practice carrying myself better, that can help. There’s a real benefit if you mute knowing it’s something you have to work on, instead of using it to run away.
If you keep thinking, my teammates are the problem, I’m having to adjust, instead of, how do I act in different scenarios so people want to work with me when it gets tough, you stall out.
The boring work that moves the needle
Dr K also said puer types can work really hard, but the moment the work becomes dreary, boring, routine, they fade. That’s the same in Dota. It’s easy to be amazing when the surroundings are exciting and teammates are pleasant. Real growth is the day you don’t feel like working and you work anyway. The low energy, drab days where you push through because you know you need to.
If you want MMR, don’t judge yourself by the games where everyone collaborates and the comms are clean. Judge yourself by the messy ones, like the pub I showed, where I responded poorly. Assess yourself there. That’s what breaks the 50–50.
Going from 10K to 11K for me in the last couple months was a lot of that. How do I win half of those messy games. How do I win twenty percent. How do I win one game I would have always lost because I used to react in a way that never helped me win.
So rather than preach, let’s make the Dota community a better place, I’ll preach this. You will win more games if you treat your teammates with decency, respect, and composure when you talk to them. That is part of what we are working on in the Dota Dojo. I’m still learning how to do it. I’ve come a long way. I believe you can too. It will give you the results you want if you are willing to do the work.
Thank you for reading. If you made it this far, I’ll see you around the Twitch channel, in the Dojo, and in class. I’m happy to help you go through this because I needed help, and I’m still going through it. Nothing like some good dialogue and shared struggle we can all relate to.
It really does feel like I’m trying to help a family member I care about who’s a bit misguided. That is how it feels to me. I don’t know how it comes off, but that’s what I’m trying to do here.
– BSJ
#BSJ #BananaSlamJamma #PersonalGrowth #HealthyMindset #Community
P.S. This was written by the Dota Dojo team. Join the Dota Dojo Discord for more and mention this email if you liked it.